En klassiker på ämnet att skapa bra relationer och få ett fungerande socialt nätverk är Dale Carnegies bok Hur du vinner vänner och påverkar din omgivning. Boken som är en av de bäst säljande böckerna någonsin (!) baserar sig på intervjuer av framgångsrika personer (ex Franklin D Roosevelt och Clark Gable) och 15 års kursverksamhet utifrån dessa idéer. Och boken skrevs ursprungligen för att användas som en kursbok på Dales workshops. Jag kommer att återvända till denna bok längre fram, men nu till några andra idéer om hur vi kan få ett bättre fungerande socialt liv.
Your true potential is enhanced by the sum of all the people who like you, and thus would go out of their way to assist you in a time of need. Unfortunately, there is no quick-fix guide
Here’s what you should practice:
Be Attentive to Others and Never Stop Listening – Self-centered people are usually unlikable. When you’re involved in a conversation, it’s important to focus more on the other person and less on yourself. If you genuinely concern yourself with others and listen to them closely, you’ll make scores of friends with little effort. Remember, everybody loves a good listener.
Complement People Who Deserve It – Go out of your way to personally acknowledge and complement the people who have gone out of their way to shine. Everybody likes to hear that their efforts are appreciated.
Make Yourself Available and Approachable – If people cannot get a hold of you, or have trouble approaching you, they will forget about you. Your general availability and accessibility to others is extremely important to them. Always maintain a positive, tolerant attitude and keep an open line of communication to those around you.
Speak Clearly so People Can Understand You – Most people have a very low tolerance for dealing with people they can’t understand. Mystery does not fuel strong relationships and likeability.
Never Try to Be Someone You’re Not – All people have the subconscious ability to detect bullshit. Even academy award winning actors slip up every now and then. Fake people are not likeable. Ask yourself this: If you don’t like who you really are, why the heck should I like you?
Address People by Their Name – People love the sight and sound of their own name, so make sure you learn to remember names Use them respectfully in both oral and written communication.
Mirror the Person You’re Conversing With – You can mirror someone by imitating their body language, gestures, movements and facial expressions during a one on one conversation. The other person will unconsciously pickup on the familiarity of your mirrored actions, which will provide them with an added sense of comfort as they speak with you. The more comfortable you make them feel, the more they will enjoy being around you.
Always Ask to Help… and Help When Asked – Everyone appreciates the gift of free assistance and those who supply it. Highly likeable people always spare time for others, regardless of how busy their own schedules are. Remember, helping people get what they want is the #1 key to getting what you want.
Never Get Caught Lying – Everybody stretches the truth at times, but everyone hates a liar. Ironic, isn’t it? Regardless, understand that your credibility and likeability will get crushed if you are caught telling a lie.
Say “Please” and “Thank You” – These 2 simple phrases make demands sound like requests and inject a friendly tone into serious conversations. It can mean the difference between sounding rude and sounding genuinely grateful.
Use Positive Language (Body and Verbal) – You can use positive language skills to exhibit yourself as a helpful, constructive person rather than a destructive, disinterested on. Positive body language involves the act of maintaining eye contact while speaking, using hand gestures to accentuate important points, leaning in closer while someone else is speaking, smiling, and mirroring the person you’re involved in a conversation with. Positive verbal language oncentrates on what can be done, suggests helpful choices and alternatives, and sounds accommodating and encouraging rather than one-dimensionally bureaucratic.
Smile – Everyone likes the sight of a genuine smile. Think about how you feel when a complete stranger looks into your eyes and smiles. Suddenly she doesn’t seem like a stranger anymore, does she? Instead she seems warm and friendly, someone you wouldn’t mind being around for a little while longer.
Keep Unqualified Opinions to Yourself – If you don’t have all the facts, or you’re uneducated on the topic of discussion, it’s in your best interest to spend your time listening. Unqualified opinions just make a person sound foolishly arrogant.
Provide Tangible Value – Don’t just follow in the footsteps of everyone else. Figure out which pieces of the puzzle are missing and put them in place. When you add tangible value, you increase your own value in the eyes of others.
Respect Elders, Respect Minors, Respect Everyone – There are no boundaries or classes that define a group of people that deserve to be respected. Treat everyone with the same level of respect you would give to your grandfather and the same level of patience you would have with your baby brother. People will notice your kindness.
Make Frequent Eye Contact… but Don’t Stare – There’s little doubt that eye contact is one of the mos captivating forms of personal communication. When executed properly, eye contact injects closeness into human interaction, which leads to likeability. The key is to make frequent eye contact without gawking. If you fail to make eye contact you will be seen as insincere and untrustworthy. Likewise, an overbearing stare can make you appear arrogant and egotistical.
Don’t Over-Promise… Instead, Over-Deliver – Some people habitually make promises they are just barely able to fulfill. They promise perfection and deliver mediocrity. Sure, they do deliver something. But it’s not inline with the original expectations, so all it does is drive negative press. If you want people to like you, forget about making promises and simply over-deliver on everything you do.
Standup for Your Beliefs Without Promoting Them – Yes, it is possible to stand up for your beliefs without foisting them down someone else’s throat. Discuss your personal beliefs when someone asks about them, but don’t spawn offensive attacks of propaganda on unsuspecting victims. Stand firm by your values and always keep an open mind to new information.
Make a Firm Handshake – There is a considerabl correlation between the characteristics of a firm handshake (strength, duration, eye contact, etc.) and a positive first impression.
Keep Your Hands Away from Your Face – Putting your hands on your face during a conversation tells the other person that you’re either bored, negatively judging them, or trying to hide something.
Dress Clean – “Clothes and manners do not make the man; but, when he is made, they greatly improve his appearance.” Henry Ward said that, and he knew exactly what he was talking about. People will always judge a book by its cover. While a stylis dress code is not absolutely necessary, it can drastically alter another person’s perception of you.
Vad tänker du om social dragningskraft?
En glad social nyhet. Vänner ska bli film!
NLP is the study of excellence that was created to answer one simple question: How can I do whatever I am doing even better? Just like physics studies the structure of the atomic world, and chemistry studies the structure of the molecular world, NLP studies the structure of our mental and emotional world. The laws of physics apply to anything made of atoms, the laws of chemistry apply to anything made of molecules, and the laws of NLP apply to anything made of thoughts and emotions. So, if you want to be and do anything more successfully, whether building a business, healing your body, or reaching enlightenment, NLP has concepts, models and techniques to help you do just that.
The core principle of NLP is that success and failure are not random. Our thoughts and our feelings, our behaviors and our beliefs, our environment and our values create success and failure. The reason we think, feel, behave, believe the way we do is because that's what we were taught (directly or indirectly) by our families, schools and cultures. If everyone in your family overeats, then you will tend to overeat too, because your parents were exemplars of a 'good human being' for you when you were young, and you modeled them indiscriminately. The key point here to realize is that all these things that people identify with (e.g. "I am poor") and believe is their fixed lot in life (e.g. "I have attention deficit disorder"), is changeable. More than that, most of it is *easily* changeable - your environments, your behaviors, your capabilities, your beliefs, your values, even your identity and spiritual purpose.
We know that right now you are jumping up and down and yelling: "Yes, finally I can get rid of all this crap that has been holding me back all my life and become successful and live my dreams. Show me how!" And, in fact, NLP will do just that for you. But first we want to explain how NLP works.
At the heart of NLP lies a technology for modeling how people do what they do and then rapidly transferring that knowledge to others. For example, if you want to become extraordinarily creative, we would first start by modeling how you manage to stay uncreative (remember, failure also has structure). Then we would find somebody who already is extraordinarily creative, someone like Walt Disney, and model how they achieve amazing creative success. As the final step, we would teach you how to let go of your old uncreative strategy and how to, instead, use Disney's extraordinarily creative strategy. That's it. It's as simple as that.
We can model pretty much anything - investing, leadership, negotiation, salesmanship, interviewing, emotional resilience, bravery, self-healing, inner peace, passion, etc. In fact, now that NLP has been around for over thirty years, it's even easier than that. Over all these years many brilliant people have been modeled, and for most anything that you would want, we already have a tested model. By the way, the outcome of the modeling process is an NLP technique, which is a sequence of behavioral-cognitive-emotional steps you would need to take to get the result. (Sometimes the outcome of the modeling process is an NLP model, which is a generalized technique that applies to a much wider set of contexts).
What set of principles is NLP based on?
Underneath all the techniques and all the models, NLP stands on several core beliefs. These beliefs are neither true nor false, but they are highly useful in everyday life. These beliefs are held by most of the successful people on our planet, and they help tremendously in creating the kind of life that you want to live. Because these are beliefs and not laws of life, the number of these beliefs and their phrasing vary from trainer to trainer. We have put together the core set of these beliefs and their explanations:
People respond to their map of reality, not to the reality itself. Fundamentally, it is not possible to know reality directly; we know it only through our senses. As information passes through our sensory organs and is processed by the brain, it gets distorted, deleted and generalized. The way the information is transformed is governed by our mental and emotional filters, by our beliefs, and by our focus of attention. The filters, the beliefs, and the attention are all a result of our past and are highly individual. What is stressful to one, is peaceful to another. What is funny to one, is boring to another. Each one of us can only respond to their map of reality, and these maps of realities are widely different. It is silly to get upset at someone thinking or responding differently then yourself, because if you had their map of reality, you would think and respond the same way they do.
Energy flows where attention goes. This belief was modeled from Hawaiian shamans. Our mental and emotional muscles work on the same principle as our bodies - what you exercise, becomes stronger. The exercise machine of the mind is attention; wherever you direct it, there the energy flows and the part under focus becomes stronger. If you focus on illness, you give power to it. If you focus on trouble, you give power to that. If you focus on how much people love you, you give power to that. Ever observed how after you decided that you like a particular car, all of a sudden you started noticing it everywhere? Energy flows where attention goes.
Behind every behavior is a positive intent. Yes, every single behavior. Even Hitler's. It is important to understand that the positive intent is (often) for the person himself, not for the other people. Similarly, every one of your behaviors has a positive intent for some part of you. Maybe not for the whole of you, but for the part doing the behavior. Smoking is clearly not healthy overall, yet it often has many positive intents such as relaxation, social acceptance or mental escape.
People always make the best choice they can at the time. People live in their maps of reality, and always choose the best option they can see. It might not be your or our best option, but for them it seems the best. If someone is making a poor choice, just keep in mind that they either don't know what else they can do or don't understand that a better option exists. Until we become enlightened, our minds have different parts (or roles) that activate at different times, and depending on which part is active at the moment, people have different sets of choices available to them at different times. The part that's running the show at the moment always makes the best choice for itself, even if it's unhealthy for the rest of you. Snoozing the alarm clock five times and coming late to work seems dumb to the part of you that comes to work, yet makes plenty of sense in the world of the part of you that is trying to get some sleep after a late night yesterday.
Choice is better than no choice. Right on the footsteps of the previous belief, if we always make the best choice we can at the time; then by adding choices we increase the quality of our decisions. Of course, sometimes you might want to have no choice so that the full power of commitment is at your fingertips. And that - choosing to create a no-choice environment, is also a choice.
Anyone can do anything given the right strategy. This belief is highly useful in empowering you to manifest your dreams. Think of it this way - can you fly an airplane? Likely not. Yet, with precise step by step instructions, you can become a pilot, and it's easier than you think. The key is small-chunk step by step instruction, e.g. pull this lever, look at that dial, adjust this mirror. When we reduce anything that looks complicated, be it high yield investing, enlightenment or writing a best selling book, into small enough steps, then anyone can follow the steps and get the result. In our years of coaching and training, we have seen many examples of people lacking even the most rudimentary abilities who have risen to the top in their chosen path. As for famous examples, Cher, Mark Twain, Ray Kroc (founder of McDonald's), George Washington, Albert Einstein were all elementary or high school dropouts. Look at them now!
There is no such thing as failure, only feedback. You want the result X, so you do a sequence of steps A and instead get an outcome Y. Is that a failure? Yes, it's a failure to get the result X. But is it useful for you to think this way? What kinds of emotional states do you connect to the word 'failure'? How would you feel if someone called you a 'failure'? Instead, let's look at it from a different point of view. What actually happened was that you got feedback that the sequence of steps A generates outcome Y. And now you are looking for another sequence of steps that will get you the result X that you wanted. Failure and feedback are two sides of the same coin. You choose which way of thinking supports you best.
The meaning of the communication is the response you get. Whenever you are communicating with others, it is your job to get your point across. If they don't get it, you didn't say it the right way for them. If they blow you off, you didn't create enough rapport. If they didn't hear you, you didn't say it loud enough.
Andra bloggares åsikter om Framgång, effektivitet, produktivitet, motivation, inspiration, NLP, personlig utveckling, mental träning, psykologi, filosofi, livsfilosofi, utveckling, växa, mål, målsättningar, disciplin, att lyckas, lycka
Veckans citat:
We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us really happy is something to be enthusiastic about.
Charles Kingsley
får mig att tänka på att många misstar hedonism för lycka. Att fullständig fokuserat på njutning i nuet och omedelbar tillfredsställelse och minsta möjliga ansträngning är målet med livet. Och det är lätt att bli bekväm. Med min ökade levnadsstandard så höjer jag kraven på vad som är lägsta tolererbara nivån och skulle jag vara stormrik är jag rätt säker på att mina vanor hade varit förfärligt snobbiga. Ibland tror jag nästan att min fattigdom har varit nödvändig för att göra mig ödmjuk inför livet.
Jag tror också min ökade fokusering på bekvämlighet i livet har med åldern att göra. Det var okej att sova på liggunderlag, leva på morötter, inte ha hiss, tågluffa och hävda mig i alla kontroverser tidigare i livet. Men i takt med att åren läggs till 30 har mitt motstånd mot krångel minskat. Allt ska funka direkt och jag har lärt mig många genvägar.
Det är lätt att blanda ihop bekvämlighet med tillfredsställelse. Men hur kul är det egentligen att äta chips framför TV:n? Att handla på köpcenter istället för stan? Och att undvika främmande situationer bara för att förlita sig på sin välkända repertoar av inövade beteenden? Jag tror att det är lätt att glömma bort att källan till verklig glädje ofta ligger i hänförelse, utmaningar och nya landvinningar. Att lära sig ett nytt språk, att arbeta för något man tror på snarare än en fet lönecheck. Att satsa livet på något som betyder något i längden snarare än tillfällig njutning.
Jag tänker samtidigt att det också är lätt att blanda ihop extas med lycka. Att ständigt leva on the edge, att ständigt dramatisera sitt livs skådespel med smärta och nyckfulla kast. Att odla impulsivitet och kaos bara för att känna att man lever. Som vanligt tror jag att balans är nyckeln till äkta tillfredsställelse. Att välja sina eldar. Sina krig. Sina källor till hänförelse. Jag är inte på något sätt religiös, men tycker att Bhagavad Gitas uppdelning av ett bristfälligt liv i mörker (orörligt och omsorgsfullt) eller eld (överdriven handling "med fingrar i för många kakburkar" (Se "De 50 viktigaste böckerna i en bok. Personlig utveckling" s32 - boktips!) är lysande. Det tredje eftersträvansvärda alternativet är ljus - att leva med ädla avsikter och kunna känna sig tillfreds med sina handlingar. Lite högtravande kanske, men jag tror det handlar om att hitta en större tillfredsställelse med sitt liv, exempelvis ett meningsfullt arbete och att leva medvetet och målinriktat för något man är engagerad i.
Vad får dig att entusiasmeras?
Livsfilosofi har fascinerat människor i alla tider och på många sätt är frågor om moral och levnadsregler odödliga. I den klassiska boken Handbok i levnadskonst från 1647 finns många tänkvärda regler sammanfattade i koncisa formuleringar. Återger här två slumpmässigt utvalda tips (s.40):
30 Äga dig inte åt vanärande sysslor. Än mindre åt sådana som endast är sken och snarare väcker förakt än anseende. Hugskott har skapat många sekter, och den kloke bör unfly dem alla. Det finns människor med egenartade intressen, som omfattar allt som de visa tar avstånd från. Dessa människor är betagna i allt besynnerligt, som visserligen gör dem mycket kända men mer orsakar skratt än ryktbarhet. Den förtänksamme bör inte framhålla sig själv ens när han har visdom som värv, och än mindre i de sysslor som ger utövarna ett löjets drag. Det är ingen mening med att räkna upp dessa, för det allmänna föraktet har redan pekat ut dem.
31 Lär känna de lyckosamma för att kunna välja ut dem och de otursförföljda för att kunna undfly dem. Olycka beror oftast på korttänkthet och det finns inget mer smittsamt. Släpp aldrig minsta ont över din tröskel ty bakom det första ligger alltid många fler och större på lur. Det gäller att veta vilket kort man skall saka. Lägsta trumf på hand är viktigare än högsta i förra given. Sök dig till visa och förtänksamma människor om du är i tvivel, ty förr eller senare kommer de att få turen med sig.
Tipsen handlar mycket om heder, rykte och social påverkan. Vad väcker de för tankar hos dig?
Andra bloggares åsikter om Heder, rykte, påverkan, tur, olycka, livsregler, livsregel, livsfilosofi, filosofi, handbok, tips, råd, regel, regler, inspiration, psykologi, populärpsykologi, personlig utveckling, mental träning, boktips, bok, vanära, anseende, tänkvärt, citat, böcker, kloka ord
Att skjuta upp saker eller göra de på en gång. Att prioritera och göra en sak i taget, eller att inte ha överblick och jobba lite här och lite där. Att disciplinerat ruta in dagarna eller att jobba i längre perioder när andan faller på. Svåra frågor om hur man bäst använder sin tid och kan kombinera lust med nytta vilket har behandlats på bloggen tidigare. Detta är ytterligare en intressant synpunkt:
Good and Bad Procrastination
The most impressive people I know are all terrible procrastinators. So could it be that procrastination isn't always bad?
Most people who write about procrastination write about how to cure it. But this is, strictly speaking, impossible. There are an infinite number of things you could be doing. No matter what you work on, you're not working on everything else. So the question is not how to avoid procrastination, but how to procrastinate well.
There are three variants of procrastination, depending on what you do instead of working on something: you could work on (a) nothing, (b) something less important, or (c) something more important. That last type, I'd argue, is good procrastination.
That's the "absent-minded professor," who forgets to shave, or eat, or even perhaps look where he's going while he's thinking about some interesting question. His mind is absent from the everyday world because it's hard at work in another.
En av de riktigt stora på tidsplanering och att organisera sitt liv är David Allen. Nu finns hans föreläsning "Getting things done" tillgänglig! (Den finns också som bok på svenska och heter Få det gjort.)
Se David Allens blogg, intervju och hemsida.
Se tidigare inlägg med David Allen.
Det är alltså inget som rör sig på bilden!
Mer optiska illusioner.
Andra bloggares åsikter om Optiska illusioner, illusion, illusioner, lek, spel, paradox, optik, bild, kul, intressant, synvilla, synvillor, perception, kognition, hjärnan, varseblivning, vetenskap, underhållning, psykologi
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