NLP

En relativt ny och intressant gren av personlig utveckling kallas NLP - The New Technology of Achievement - som basera sig på sk neurolingvistisk programmering. Nedan följer en kort beskrivning av NLP och dess viktigaste principer.

What is NLP?

NLP is the study of excellence that was created to answer one simple question: How can I do whatever I am doing even better? Just like physics studies the structure of the atomic world, and chemistry studies the structure of the molecular world, NLP studies the structure of our mental and emotional world. The laws of physics apply to anything made of atoms, the laws of chemistry apply to anything made of molecules, and the laws of NLP apply to anything made of thoughts and emotions. So, if you want to be and do anything more successfully, whether building a business, healing your body, or reaching enlightenment, NLP has concepts, models and techniques to help you do just that.

The core principle of NLP is that success and failure are not random. Our thoughts and our feelings, our behaviors and our beliefs, our environment and our values create success and failure. The reason we think, feel, behave, believe the way we do is because that's what we were taught (directly or indirectly) by our families, schools and cultures. If everyone in your family overeats, then you will tend to overeat too, because your parents were exemplars of a 'good human being' for you when you were young, and you modeled them indiscriminately. The key point here to realize is that all these things that people identify with (e.g. "I am poor") and believe is their fixed lot in life (e.g. "I have attention deficit disorder"), is changeable. More than that, most of it is *easily* changeable - your environments, your behaviors, your capabilities, your beliefs, your values, even your identity and spiritual purpose.

We know that right now you are jumping up and down and yelling: "Yes, finally I can get rid of all this crap that has been holding me back all my life and become successful and live my dreams. Show me how!" And, in fact, NLP will do just that for you. But first we want to explain how NLP works.

At the heart of NLP lies a technology for modeling how people do what they do and then rapidly transferring that knowledge to others. For example, if you want to become extraordinarily creative, we would first start by modeling how you manage to stay uncreative (remember, failure also has structure). Then we would find somebody who already is extraordinarily creative, someone like Walt Disney, and model how they achieve amazing creative success. As the final step, we would teach you how to let go of your old uncreative strategy and how to, instead, use Disney's extraordinarily creative strategy. That's it. It's as simple as that.

We can model pretty much anything - investing, leadership, negotiation, salesmanship, interviewing, emotional resilience, bravery, self-healing, inner peace, passion, etc. In fact, now that NLP has been around for over thirty years, it's even easier than that. Over all these years many brilliant people have been modeled, and for most anything that you would want, we already have a tested model. By the way, the outcome of the modeling process is an NLP technique, which is a sequence of behavioral-cognitive-emotional steps you would need to take to get the result. (Sometimes the outcome of the modeling process is an NLP model, which is a generalized technique that applies to a much wider set of contexts).

What set of principles is NLP based on?

Underneath all the techniques and all the models, NLP stands on several core beliefs. These beliefs are neither true nor false, but they are highly useful in everyday life. These beliefs are held by most of the successful people on our planet, and they help tremendously in creating the kind of life that you want to live. Because these are beliefs and not laws of life, the number of these beliefs and their phrasing vary from trainer to trainer. We have put together the core set of these beliefs and their explanations:

1. People respond to their map of reality, not to the reality itself. Fundamentally, it is not possible to know reality directly; we know it only through our senses. As information passes through our sensory organs and is processed by the brain, it gets distorted, deleted and generalized. The way the information is transformed is governed by our mental and emotional filters, by our beliefs, and by our focus of attention. The filters, the beliefs, and the attention are all a result of our past and are highly individual. What is stressful to one, is peaceful to another. What is funny to one, is boring to another. Each one of us can only respond to their map of reality, and these maps of realities are widely different. It is silly to get upset at someone thinking or responding differently then yourself, because if you had their map of reality, you would think and respond the same way they do.

2. Energy flows where attention goes. This belief was modeled from Hawaiian shamans. Our mental and emotional muscles work on the same principle as our bodies - what you exercise, becomes stronger. The exercise machine of the mind is attention; wherever you direct it, there the energy flows and the part under focus becomes stronger. If you focus on illness, you give power to it. If you focus on trouble, you give power to that. If you focus on how much people love you, you give power to that. Ever observed how after you decided that you like a particular car, all of a sudden you started noticing it everywhere? Energy flows where attention goes.

3. Behind every behavior is a positive intent. Yes, every single behavior. Even Hitler's. It is important to understand that the positive intent is (often) for the person himself, not for the other people. Similarly, every one of your behaviors has a positive intent for some part of you. Maybe not for the whole of you, but for the part doing the behavior. Smoking is clearly not healthy overall, yet it often has many positive intents such as relaxation, social acceptance or mental escape.

4. People always make the best choice they can at the time. People live in their maps of reality, and always choose the best option they can see. It might not be your or our best option, but for them it seems the best. If someone is making a poor choice, just keep in mind that they either don't know what else they can do or don't understand that a better option exists. Until we become enlightened, our minds have different parts (or roles) that activate at different times, and depending on which part is active at the moment, people have different sets of choices available to them at different times. The part that's running the show at the moment always makes the best choice for itself, even if it's unhealthy for the rest of you. Snoozing the alarm clock five times and coming late to work seems dumb to the part of you that comes to work, yet makes plenty of sense in the world of the part of you that is trying to get some sleep after a late night yesterday.

5. Choice is better than no choice. Right on the footsteps of the previous belief, if we always make the best choice we can at the time; then by adding choices we increase the quality of our decisions. Of course, sometimes you might want to have no choice so that the full power of commitment is at your fingertips. And that - choosing to create a no-choice environment, is also a choice.

6. Anyone can do anything given the right strategy. This belief is highly useful in empowering you to manifest your dreams. Think of it this way - can you fly an airplane? Likely not. Yet, with precise step by step instructions, you can become a pilot, and it's easier than you think. The key is small-chunk step by step instruction, e.g. pull this lever, look at that dial, adjust this mirror. When we reduce anything that looks complicated, be it high yield investing, enlightenment or writing a best selling book, into small enough steps, then anyone can follow the steps and get the result. In our years of coaching and training, we have seen many examples of people lacking even the most rudimentary abilities who have risen to the top in their chosen path. As for famous examples, Cher, Mark Twain, Ray Kroc (founder of McDonald's), George Washington, Albert Einstein were all elementary or high school dropouts. Look at them now!

7. There is no such thing as failure, only feedback. You want the result X, so you do a sequence of steps A and instead get an outcome Y. Is that a failure? Yes, it's a failure to get the result X. But is it useful for you to think this way? What kinds of emotional states do you connect to the word 'failure'? How would you feel if someone called you a 'failure'? Instead, let's look at it from a different point of view. What actually happened was that you got feedback that the sequence of steps A generates outcome Y. And now you are looking for another sequence of steps that will get you the result X that you wanted. Failure and feedback are two sides of the same coin. You choose which way of thinking supports you best.

8. The meaning of the communication is the response you get. Whenever you are communicating with others, it is your job to get your point across. If they don't get it, you didn't say it the right way for them. If they blow you off, you didn't create enough rapport. If they didn't hear you, you didn't say it loud enough.

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Enveten eller uthållig?

Var går gränsen mellan att anstränga sig till sitt yttersta, vara uthållig och aldrig sluta tro på att man kan förverkliga sin dröm - och att blint och envetet streta på och stånga sig blodig utan resultat eller möjligheter att lyckas? Här är ett inlägg i ämnet. (Tyvärr kan jag inte hitta denna artikels referens på nätet, men andra tips från Malcolm Harvey återfinns här.)

Don't Keep Beating Your Head Against That Boulder

By Malcolm Harvey

There's an awful lot of stuff out there on "goal setting", and rightly so for it is the most important aspect of achievement. "If you don't know where you are going, then how do you know when you get there? "But there is a distinct difference between endurance to the bitter end and stupidity.

1. When going for goals, you need to have strong intention and commitment. You have to be diligent in your actions, concentrating upon your goal and put in enough effort for a long enough time so that your goal is achieved.

2. But when you are faced with a massive great rock in your path it should not be a trial of strength and endurance to whack your head against it endlessly.

3. Sometimes you will find a way round it, and sometimes you can't. If that happens, retreat, come at it another way, or bag that particular route. Maybe even bag the stupid goal, if getting past the obstacle requires too much energy and struggle.
   

4. You have to think of yourself as a bank account of energy. How much are you paying out, and what is your return on effort?
   

5. When faced with obstacles, work your way around them, or wait patiently; sometimes the obstacle disappears or melts away in time. Use your brain not your skull.
   

6. Trust your feelings, ask, and watch the signs all around you. You'll know how hard to try, when it's right to push a little harder and when it's best to pull back.
   

7. I've found, by bitter experience, that if you don't learn to trust your own intuition and allow time to think things through, it is very easy to stubbornly carry on regardless and really make a mess of things.
   

8. Goal setting IS fundamentally important, you will never get anywhere if you don't write down your goals and remind yourself of them daily. (I will cover a practical approach to goal setting in another presentation)
   

9. With the world changing at such a rate and opportunities opening up all the time, it is necessary to be very clear about where you are heading.So, my advice is to be focused and determined, but also aware and virulent.
   

10. Don't get so locked into striving to reach your goal, that along the path you miss the obvious, easier route opening up to you. Be flexible and don't be scared to change direction a little when it becomes necessary.
    

11. There are no prizes for heroism.
    

12. It is not failure to admit that you made a mistake or need to step back a little. It is a sign of strength and shows that you are really learning. Also the way would be cleared for all manner of new things to reveal themselves.I subscribe to the Edison School of Learning (you know, the guy who invented the light bulb) - "The more times you fail; the nearer you are to success!"

Tips på en meningsfull sommarfestival.

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Om valmöjligheter

Har du svårt att fatta beslut för att du vill hålla alla dörrar öppna?

Om man inte vågar stänga några dörrar och fokusera sina ansträngningar kan man mista de möjligheter man faktiskt har likt fabeln med sensmoralen "Den som gapar efter mycket mister ofta hela stycket". Att välja något innebär ju ofta att man tvingas välja bort något annat. Nedan finns en intressant artikel på ämnet av John Tierney publicerad i New York Times 2008-02-26.

The Advantages of Closing a Few Doors

The next time you’re juggling options — which friend to see, which house to buy, which career to pursue — try asking yourself this question: What would Xiang Yu do?

Xiang Yu was a Chinese general in the third century B.C. who took his troops across the Yangtze River into enemy territory and performed an experiment in decision making. He crushed his troops’ cooking pots and burned their ships.

He explained this was to focus them on moving forward — a motivational speech that was not appreciated by many of the soldiers watching their retreat option go up in flames. But General Xiang Yu would be vindicated, both on the battlefield and in the annals of social science research.

He is one of the role models in Dan Ariely’s new book, “Predictably Irrational,” an entertaining look at human foibles like the penchant for keeping too many options open. General Xiang Yu was a rare exception to the norm, a warrior who conquered by being unpredictably rational.

Most people can’t make such a painful choice, not even the students at a bastion of rationality like the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, where Dr. Ariely is a professor of behavioral economics. In a series of experiments, hundreds of students could not bear to let their options vanish, even though it was obviously a dumb strategy (and they weren’t even asked to burn anything).

The experiments involved a game that eliminated the excuses we usually have for refusing to let go. In the real world, we can always tell ourselves that it’s good to keep options open.

You don’t even know how a camera’s burst-mode flash works, but you persuade yourself to pay for the extra feature just in case. You no longer have anything in common with someone who keeps calling you, but you hate to just zap the relationship.

Your child is exhausted from after-school soccer, ballet and Chinese lessons, but you won’t let her drop the piano lessons. They could come in handy! And who knows? Maybe they will.

In the M.I.T. experiments, the students should have known better. They played a computer game that paid real cash to look for money behind three doors on the screen. (You can play it yourself, without pay, at tierneylab.blogs.nytimes.com.) After they opened a door by clicking on it, each subsequent click earned a little money, with the sum varying each time.

As each player went through the 100 allotted clicks, he could switch rooms to search for higher payoffs, but each switch used up a click to open the new door. The best strategy was to quickly check out the three rooms and settle in the one with the highest rewards.

Even after students got the hang of the game by practicing it, they were flummoxed when a new visual feature was introduced. If they stayed out of any room, its door would start shrinking and eventually disappear.

They should have ignored those disappearing doors, but the students couldn’t. They wasted so many clicks rushing back to reopen doors that their earnings dropped 15 percent. Even when the penalties for switching grew stiffer — besides losing a click, the players had to pay a cash fee — the students kept losing money by frantically keeping all their doors open.

Why were they so attached to those doors? The players, like the parents of that overscheduled piano student, would probably say they were just trying to keep future options open. But that’s not the real reason, according to Dr. Ariely and his collaborator in the experiments, Jiwoong Shin, an economist who is now at Yale.

They plumbed the players’ motivations by introducing yet another twist. This time, even if a door vanished from the screen, players could make it reappear whenever they wanted. But even when they knew it would not cost anything to make the door reappear, they still kept frantically trying to prevent doors from vanishing.

Apparently they did not care so much about maintaining flexibility in the future. What really motivated them was the desire to avoid the immediate pain of watching a door close.

“Closing a door on an option is experienced as a loss, and people are willing to pay a price to avoid the emotion of loss,” Dr. Ariely says. In the experiment, the price was easy to measure in lost cash. In life, the costs are less obvious — wasted time, missed opportunities. If you are afraid to drop any project at the office, you pay for it at home. “We may work more hours at our jobs,” Dr. Ariely writes in his book, “without realizing that the childhood of our sons and daughters is slipping away. Sometimes these doors close too slowly for us to see them vanishing.”

Dr. Ariely, one of the most prolific authors in his field, does not pretend that he is above this problem himself. When he was trying to decide between job offers from M.I.T. and Stanford, he recalls, within a week or two it was clear that he and his family would be more or less equally happy in either place. But he dragged out the process for months because he became so obsessed with weighing the options.

“I’m just as workaholic and prone to errors as anyone else,” he says.. “I have way too many projects, and it would probably be better for me and the academic community if I focused my efforts. But every time I have an idea or someone offers me a chance to collaborate, I hate to give it up.”

So what can be done? One answer, Dr. Ariely said, is to develop more social checks on overbooking. He points to marriage as an example: “In marriage, we create a situation where we promise ourselves not to keep options open. We close doors and announce to others we’ve closed doors.”

Or we can just try to do it on our own. Since conducting the door experiments, Dr. Ariely says, he has made a conscious effort to cancel projects and give away his ideas to colleagues. He urges the rest of us to resign from committees, prune holiday card lists, rethink hobbies and remember the lessons of door closers like Xiang Yu.

If the general’s tactics seem too crude, Dr. Ariely recommends another role model, Rhett Butler, for his supreme moment of unpredictable rationality at the end of his marriage. Scarlett, like the rest of us, can’t bear the pain of giving up an option, but Rhett recognizes the marriage’s futility and closes the door with astonishing elan. Frankly, he doesn’t give a damn.

Har du svårt att välja mellan olika alternativ?

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Risk och utveckling

Jag läste en intressant och inspirerande artikel i DN idag om var den optimala balansen finns mellan utveckling - risktagande och trygghet- stillastående. Det är en psykoanalytiker och en psykolog som funderar utifrån både psykologin och sina egna liv. Var står du själv?

"Man har mycket att vinna på att göra något annat än det trygga och invanda", säger psykologen Claudia Fahlke som tillsammans med psykoanalytikern Per Magnus Johansson har skrivit en bok om personlighetspsykologi.

"Det krävs mod för att inte fastna i livet"

Skrivet av Gert Svensson

Har livet blivit tråkigt? Var det bättre förr? Tänker du ofta att man vet vad man har men inte vad man får? Se upp - du är på väg att stelna!

När Per Magnus Johansson var sjutton år lyssnade han ofta på The Velvet Underground. "Fear is a man's best friend", sjöng John Cale, och orden gick rakt in: "Rädslan är människans bästa vän." Numera är Per Magnus Johansson psykoanalytiker och docent i idé- och lärdomshistoria vid Göteborgs universitet.

- Jag tror på utsatthet, säger han. Om man vill vinna ett rikt liv måste man våga kasta sig ut och lära sig något nytt. Den som alltid trampar på trygg mark och aldrig utsätter sig för nya situationer berövar sig själv möjligheten att utvecklas. För honom eller henne väntar tristess och ökande ensamhet - och sedan döden, det slutgiltiga förstelnandet. Det krävs alltså mod för att inte fastna i livet, enligt Per Magnus Johansson. Men man behöver tur också.

- Alla har inte fått chansen att leva ett rikt liv. Den som har bittra erfarenheter kan bli alltför ängslig och försiktig för att våga utsätta sig för det okända. Själv gav han sig en gång i väg till Paris för att utbilda sig till psykoanalytiker, och han kände sig ofta ensam och osäker. Man han hittade vägen till ett spännande yrke, och dessutom fann han sitt livs kärlek. Vid fyrtio års ålder bytte han delvis spår, började läsa idé- och lärdomshistoria - och tvingades möta sin okunskap på ett helt nytt område. Nu arbetar han med en bok där han granskar psykiatrin i ett historiskt perspektiv.

- Men det hindrar inte att jag regelbundet är alldeles för bekväm och känner ett starkt motstånd mot att ifrågasätta mina uppkörda tankemönster, säger han.

Som tjugoåring ville Claudia Fahlke hålla alla dörrar öppna. Hon var intresserad av det mesta och ägnade sin energi åt än det ena, än det andra. Numera är hon professor i psykologi vid Göteborgs universitet, och hennes intresseområden har krympt.

- Jag blir inte längre engagerad av allt, säger hon. Jag har min yrkesbana, min familj och mina speciella intressen. Jag väljer bort bruset och gör det jag verkligen vill göra - och visst kan man tycka att jag har stelnat i detta. Men jag ser stora fördelar också. Jag koncentrerar min kraft och kommer djupare. Om man vill motverka sin mentala förstelning ska man umgås med olika människor och träna sig i att vara öppen inför andras sätt att tänka, förklarar hon.

- Men å andra sidan ... Vårt västerländska samhälle kräver av oss att vi ska vara så öppna och aktiva och förändringsbenägna. Det är ganska skönt att välja bort sådant man inte är intresserad av. Och jag tycker att man ska ha respekt för äldre människor som inte vill ha så många nya intryck.

Det är förstås en åsikt man uttrycker när man säger att en viss person har stelnat. Han eller hon kan dessutom ha fastnat i vissa avseenden, men vara öppen och nyfiken i andra. Ändå är det uppenbart att vissa människor stelnar tidigt i livet, medan andra fortsätter att utforska världen och utveckla sin personlighet.

Hur kommer det sig?
Ja, för det första blir hjärnbarken trögare med stigande ålder så att minnet och inlärningsförmågan försämras, och detta sker olika snabbt hos olika individer. För det andra är vi människor olika lagda. Enligt ärftlighetsforskningen är våra karaktärsegenskaper ungefär till hälften genetiskt orsakade - resten beror på omgivningen och erfarenheterna. Det handlar om ett komplicerat samspel mellan arv och miljö, enligt Claudia Fahlke:

- Forskningen visar att miljöfaktorer kan dämpa de genetiska faktorerna - eller förstärka dem. Man kan bli introvert och stukad på grund av en svår uppväxt även om man är biologiskt lagd för att vara utåtriktad och nyfiken.

- Och den som är genetiskt sårbar kan under goda villkor utveckla en rik och öppen karaktär, inflikar Per Magnus Johansson.

Inom den gren av psykologin som handlar om människors personlighet finns den så kallade egenskapsteorin, och på detta forskningsområde dominerar sedan många år den så kallade femfaktormodellen (The Big Five). Den har vuxit fram under flera decennier tack vare många forskares arbete, och på senare år har den förfinats av Paul Costa och Robert McCrae, psykologer från USA. De anser att personligheten vilar på följande fem "grundläggande tendenser": Öppenhet, Utåtriktning, Vänlighet, Målmedvetenhet och Känslomässig instabilitet. Varje människa har var och en av dessa fem egenskaper i hög eller låg grad. Man kan se dem som fem frekvensområden; varje individ har sin egen inställning på fem olika skjutreglage på ljudmixern - en unik kombination som leder till ett alldeles eget ljud, en egen karaktär.

Tre av de fem faktorerna har bäring på detta att stelna eller inte stelna. Öppenhet och Utåtriktning är de två första. Om man är "nyfiken, allmänintresserad och okonventionell" och upplevs vara "kreativ och fantasifull" är man en öppen människa, enligt Paul Costa och Robert McCrae. Är man dessutom utåtriktad, det vill säga "sällskaplig, pratsam, optimistisk och benägen att vara impulsiv och ta risker" - då får man mer eller mindre automatiskt kontakt med nya tankar och idéer. Känslomässig stabilitet är kanske ändå den allra viktigaste egenskapen för den som inte vill stelna i livet. Om man ofta är "ängslig, osäker och känslosam" och "reagerar med oro och rädsla inför nya och främmande situationer" - då är man känslomässigt instabil, enligt femfaktormodellen. Och då är risken stor att man saknar det mod som krävs för att våga skaffa sig nya erfarenheter.

- Rädslan - som i en mening är människans bästa vän - kan också strypa handlingsutrymmet så att alternativen för tänkande, kännande och agerande blir färre. Skräcken kan göra det som var flexibelt och fritt i karaktären till något trångt och styvt, förklarar Per Magnus Johansson.

Vid sidan av rädslan är bekvämligheten det rika livets värsta fiende, säger Claudia Fahlke:

- Det är tryggt och skönt att tänka så som man alltid har tänkt. Och det är sant att den erfarenhet man får med stigande ålder kan leda till visdom. Men den kan också innebära att man slutar ta emot ny information. Man måste lära känna sig själv. Är jag vis eller bara ovillig att förändra mig?

Men hur går det då till när en människas personlighet formas?
Ja, Sigmund Freud, psykoanalysens fader, ansåg att grunden läggs redan under de allra första levnadsåren, och att karaktären därefter danas genom en dragkamp mellan jaget, detet, överjaget och yttervärlden. Jaget står för förnuft och rimlighet och har det övergripande ansvaret. Överjaget är samvetet, medan detet är den dunkla delen av människan där det kokar av känslor och omedvetna drifter.

En person som under barndomen lider brist på kärlek kan påverkas på olika sätt, enligt den freudianska tanketraditionen. Han eller hon kan till exempel känna skräck inför sina egna känsloimpulser och utveckla ett strängt överjag och därmed bli en kontrollerad och förstelnad människa. Eller också tar rädslan för det okända över så att personen i fråga undviker alla situationer som kan ge nya erfarenheter - karaktären stagnerar.

Den tysk-amerikanska psyko-analytikern Erik Homburger Erikson var snarare inne på att det är kriserna i livet som formar karaktären. Han ansåg att personligheten utvecklas genom åtta olika åldrar, och i varje ålder har man ett grundläggande psykosocialt problem att lösa. Det är till exempel genom kriser i puberteten och ungdomsåren man finner sin egen speciella identitet, och i nästa stadium fokuserar man på att knyta an till en annan människa i en intimsfär.

Den som klarar kriserna växer och förädlas som människa, enligt Erik Homburger Erikson. Men den som inte lyckas med sin uppgift i en viss fas av livet bär med sig misslyckandet in i nästa ålder. Och om trenden fortsätter överstiger till sist de samlade negativa erfarenheterna de positiva, vilket leder till en förkrympt och rigid personlighet.

- Jag tror att självbilden är avgörande, säger Claudia Fahlke. Om man aldrig har fått känna sig fin och värd att älska, och om man inte har fått med sig de verktyg man behöver för att klara motgångar i livet - då är det lätt att bli uppgiven. Känslan av sammanhang är också viktig. Den som inte ser någon mening med tillvaron slutar att vara nyfiken, ingenting spelar någon roll.

Människor strävar medvetet efter att utvecklas, till skillnad från djuren; varje individ är unik och fri att välja sitt liv. Det är så tänkarna inom den så kallade humanistiska psykologin ser på människan, bland dem amerikanen Carl Rogers. Han använder termen "den fullt fungerande personen" för de individer som har nått allra längst i sitt självförverkligande. De eftersträvar nya upplevelser, accepterar både sköna och obehagliga känslor och är enligt Carl Rogers "kreativa" och "existentiellt levande" i meningen att de låter sin personlighet och sin syn på världen formas av de egna erfarenheterna; de tvingar inte in dem i en redan fix och färdig världsbild. Det goda livet kräver mod att "kasta sig ut i livets ström", skriver Carl Rogers, ett "utvidgande och växande av att mer och mer bli sina möjligheter".

Om man ska lyckas med detta får man inte ha för djupa hjulspår i hjärnan, förklarar Per Magnus Johansson.

- Om rutinerna har tagit över i livet, om man tycker att man redan vet allt man behöver veta och ofta känner nostalgi - då gäller det att ifrågasätta sig själv, säger han.

Den amerikanske psykoterapeuten Aaron T Beck har lagt fram en personlighetsteori som bygger på den kognitiva psykologin, den som handlar om hur vi människor styrs av vårt tänkande. Aaron T Beck anser att vi upprättar speciella scheman i hjärnan, en uppsättning automatiska tankebanor som blixtsnabbt styr vår tolkning av vad som sker. Dessa scheman är delvis medfödda, delvis grundade på tidiga erfarenheter i livet, och de påverkar ständigt våra känslor och vårt beteende.

Den kognitiva terapeuten Judith Beck har utvecklat sin far Aaron T Becks teori. Hon anser att vi alla utformar ett knippe fasta föreställningar om oss själva, om andra och om världen. Dessa så kallade grundantaganden blir viktiga inslag i vår karaktär, och trots att vi knappt är medvetna om dem uppfattar vi dem som absoluta sanningar. De flesta människor utvecklar i längden positiva grundantaganden om sig själva, men de som far illa i livet kan göra tvärtom. De som dessutom har en ängslig eller depressiv läggning kan börja betrakta sig själva som hjälplösa och misslyckade eller övergivna och inte alls värda att bli älskade. För dem ligger det nära till hands att tänka: "Det är ingen idé att jag försöker mig på något nytt, det är säkrast att jag håller mig till det gamla." Och så stelnar de. Men människan är en gåtfull varelse. Hon kan plötsligt börja blomma där allt verkar torrt och sterilt.

- Även om man känner sig nedtryckt och tänker att man saknar framtid har man potential, påpekar Per Magnus Johansson. Man kan möta nya människor och bestämma sig för att vara öppen inför andras idéer.

- Man har mycket att vinna på att göra något annat än det trygga och invanda, säger Claudia Fahlke."


Andra bloggares åsikter om Utveckling, växa, stillastående, risk, risker, risktagande, trygghet, förändring, rutin, rutiner, rädsla, ångest, personlig utveckling, mental träning, psykolog, psykoanalytiker, psykologi, filosofi, livsfilosofi, inställning, DN, artikel, , psykoanalys

Om misslyckande

Det är inte alltid så lätt att hålla sig på spåret när man vill genomföra ett projekt eller förändra något i livet. Att det sker misstag på vägen är mer regel än undandtag och det krävs ibland rejäl motivation och rätt tänk för att komma upp på banan igen. Men det är först när vi hamnar i diket som vi faktiskt inser var vägen framåt finns, och efter små justeringar blir antagligen avkörningarna inte lika allvarliga eller svåra att parera och vägen framstår allt tydligare.

Här kommer lite mer inspiration om konsten att klara av misstag, misslyckanden, felberäkningar, oförutsedda hinder och annat som grusar maskineriet allt som oftast.

How to Stay Motivated After Failure
Peter Murphy

Achieving our goals is not always easy. Sometimes we hit obstacles along the way that, at first glance seem like failure. Or maybe we feel we are not achieving our goals fast enough. The reality is that, no matter what our life journey is, life does go on around us, and at times, makes progress seem a little slower. During those times the successful person maintains focus and perseveres in the direction of his goal. Here are some tips that the successful person uses to stay motivated and accomplish what he or she wants.

One way the successful person stays motivated by maintaining balance. The successful person maintains balance in their emotions at every life challenge. When we are in balance we are happy and well-rounded. We react sensibly to all that is going on around us. This balance brings us happiness and happiness motivates us to wake up the next day.

When things don't seem to be going in the direction you want, re-assess the positives. This means, find those things you did during the day that were positive, no matter how insignificant you think those things might be, whether that is opening a door for someone else, paying that nagging bill, helping an old lady across the street, or mowing the grass. It doesn't matter how small the positive thing is; what is important is the fact you did something that moved you forward in life and closer to your goals. Focus on the good parts of your day, especially when experiencing the feelings of failure. A large part of staying motivated is focusing on the accomplishments you had. If you focus on failure you will lose motivational energy.

We all fail at one thing or another. Not one of us is perfect, so inevitably we all do experience failure at some points in our lives. However, successful people don't dwell on the failures they inevitably have; they don't imagine themselves as failures. Maybe this or that venture they attempted did fail. But when you see yourself personally as a failure and you internalize this, you will most certainly lose motivation. If you want to stay motivated despite failure then do not take failure personally. Failure happens to us all!

Instead, imagine yourself as being successful. Visualize your goals; see them in your mind. Watch yourself accomplish those goals. Make a mental movie of it! Make it as detailed as you like. The more detail the better. By doing this you are reinforcing your mental processing which will certainly contribute to your motivation.

Oftentimes, after hitting those moments of failure, we tend to become absorbed in the "what ifs". Reflection has lessons for us to learn, undoubtedly but to mull over failure for too long can become a mental cobweb. It can trap you and stop you moving forward.

A very important point is this - the feeling of failure is a choice against oneself and nothing more! Failure is a situational word, not a personal one, unless of course you make that choice. When you see yourself, personally, as a failure you are compromising your motivation. When your motivation is compromised, accomplishing your goals becomes even more difficult.

A key factor to staying motivated is to see failure as an opportunity. It could be an opportunity to learn a new skill or an opportunity to try something which you had not expected before. Most of the time when failure knocks on our door it is to teach us something about ourselves, the situation, and those around us. An apparent failure which forces us to take a path we did not intend can actually lead to great happiness. Failure is actually there to help us, if we use it right. By thinking of failure in this way, you will find motivation.

Vad har du själv för strategier när något går snett?

Läs även andra bloggares åsikter om Misstag, misslyckande, misslyckanden, fel, ångest, ge upp, motivation, procrastination, uthållighet, mental träning, inspiration, Peter Murphy, personlig utveckling, filosofi, psykologi, populärpsykologi, positivt tänkande

Sluta gnälla - börja kämpa!

Nu är det inte långt till semestern, men det är ofta när något är som närmast det känns som längst bort. Så här kommer lite inspiration om hur vi kan hålla tempot uppe och spurta på sista sträckan även om motivationen tryter i takt med att temperaturen stiger.

Som ni säkert redan lagt märke till har jag en förkärlek för klatchiga titlar och snärtiga råd, och det här är inget undantag. John Watson delar med sig av sina tankar om hur vi kan sluta gnälla och börja kämpa. Kom igen nu!

Succeed By Working Instead Of Whining

av John Watson

Some humans waste a lot of time and energy on self-pity and whining when they could be using that wasted time and energy to improve their situation so that they have less to whine about.

The dictionary defines whining as complaining in a childish, moaning kind of way. You will find a definitive example of this, from my own childhood, later in this article.

In the kick butt film "G.I. Jane", the brutal Master Chief John Urgayle, eventually shows Lieutenant Jordan O'Neil, acted by Demi Moore, one of the key values behind his pitiless training methods.

At the successful conclusion of her tortuous training to be part of a tough elite squad, he gives her his book of D.H. Lawrence's poetry in which he has circled one of his favorite poems entitled 'Self-Pity'. In this famous poem, Lawrence shows his admiration for the courage of wild creatures:

"I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself.

A bird will fall frozen dead from a bough

Without ever having felt sorry for itself."

The bird will sing all its life without complaint until it reaches the end of its short life. The thought of feeling sorry for itself never, as far as we know, enters its head.

Humans sing too but some will also spend a huge chunk of their lives moaning and groaning about the weather, the traffic, inflation, the government, their parents, their children and the people who misjudge, criticize and fail to appreciate them.

They may even feel that the universe has it in for them. They ask: "Why me? Why now? Somebody is out to get me!" They even have songs which complain about all manner of things.

Anthony D'Angelo suggests a wise solution: "Realize that if you have time to whine and complain about something, then you have the time to do something about it." Perhaps we should add: "If you can't do anything about it, just accept it and move on."

If the traffic is heavy, don't whine or whinge ( i.e. complain in a persistent and annoying manner). Just leave early enough to reach your destination in good time. If you miss a train, check the timetable more carefully next time!

If you have a huge amount of work to do, don't moan about it. Make a list of what you have to do; prioritize it and then get started on the first task. At the very least, do the easiest task on your list. You will begin to feel a sense of control and power rather than a feeling of self-pity. Try to make your lists in the evening so that you can get cracking early in the morning.

If a whining or self-pitying thought enters your mind replace it as soon as you can with thoughts of power and gratitude. Fill your mind with the belief that you can sort out almost any problem if you give it some focused attention or ask for help from an expert. Be thankful for all you already have and you will attract more good things and experiences into your life.

Nelson Mandela is a great example of what can be achieved if you refuse to pity yourself. He managed to forgive those who had imprisoned him for 27 years:

"I had to let it go," said Mandela. "They took the best years of my life... They destroyed my marriage. They abused me physically and mentally. They could take everything except my heart and mind. Those things I would have to give away and I decided not to give them away."

His example inspired a nation. There are still problems in South Africa but the nation has become a beacon to the rest of the world and they even managed to win the Rugby Union World Cup in 2007!

Richard Smith, the editor of the British Medical Journal, has noted how Mandela inspired Bill Clinton to overcome self-pity. The humiliated President felt sorry for himself when he was harassed by prosecutors over his affair with Monica Lewinsky.

However, Clinton managed to follow Mandela's example, forgiving his tormentors and resisting self pity. "You do this," he observes, "not for other people but yourself. If you don't let it go, it continues to eat at you."

Smith notes the wisdom in Bill Clinton's words. Self pity will destroy you and not the people whom you might feel rightly or wrongly are attacking you. The train you've just missed 'will not care a hoot' that you have just missed it.

When I was a boy, my favorite part of the Yorkshire pudding was the crusty corner. On one memorable occasion, my granddad gave me one of the soggy portions from the middle of the pudding instead of my favorite portion! I was filled with anger and self-pity.

To the astonishment of all present, I grabbed a spoonful of mustard and swallowed it down neat as a protest against life's injustice. No one suffered except me! Self-pity, then, can only make a bad situation worse. It makes sense not to give in to it. You will be the one to suffer most.

Recently, I felt like complaining when I was trying to sleep and a local bird was endlessly repeating the same loud bird song. The sounds emerged over and over again as the bird sang like a demented rapper on automatic - uh OOOH oh, uh OOOH oh. In fact, I can hear it now! It has started up again!

Eventually, I switched off the central heating and closed my window so that I could no longer hear the bird song. I've just had to close the window again! This bird is definitely feeling no pity for itself or anyone else in ear shot!

Of course, there are times when no one could blame you for feeling self-pity and complaining. If you or a loved one are suffering chronic pain from cancer or a similar illness, self-pity would seem to be justified. Like Job, you or they might well feel like cursing God or the Universe and dying.

This article is not about that depth of pain. However Master Chief John Urgayle points out that some kinds of pain can be useful:

"Pain is your friend, your ally. It will tell you when you are seriously injured; it will keep you awake and angry and remind you to finish the job and get the hell home. But you know the best thing about pain?"

Lt. Jordan O'Neil: "Don't know!"

Master Chief John Urgayle: "It lets you know you're not dead yet!"

Pain was my friend when I was about twelve years old. I had had an operation on a toe. The surgical bandage was too tight and I soon developed gangrene. I complained of the pain. The local doctor said I was complaining unnecessarily!

Fortunately, my mother knew me better and disobeyed the doctor's instructions by bravely cutting open the bandage. This revealed a toe which was black with gangrene. The pain disappeared as soon as the bandage was removed but I nearly lost both my leg and my life. In the end I lost only half the toe. Complaining and a brave mother had saved my leg and, possibly, my life.

There are times, then, when we can overcome problems by complaining but, in the majority of cases, work or some other kind of action is preferable to wasting time complaining.

As long as we are alive and not in such excruciating pain that we cannot achieve anything except just staying alive, we have the option of not spending time whining.

Instead we can use the time we would normally have spent complaining to take action and find a solution to whatever it is that we are complaining about.

Every day we could ask ourselves the question: "Are you going to rise and shine or rise and whine?" The wise choice, in my view, is to shine. We would make ourselves and others much happier by following the words of the famous gospel song which is relevant to both adults and children:

"This little light of mine; I'm going to let it shine!"

John Watson has written several ebooks on the importance of your mindset in any activity you are currently engaged in. A positive, optimistic mindset is the key to your achievement. Check out 'The Midas Method Millionaire Toolkit' at http://www.midasmethodmillionaire.com

Bild på flicka lånad från Sybil's Star.

Andra bloggares åsikter om Gnäll, gnälla, klaga, ångest, oro, oroa sig, prestera, kämpa, satsa, motivation, framgång, att lyckas, orka, semester, spurta, slutspurt, spurt, mental träning, positivt tänkande, personlig utveckling, filosofi, psykologi, inspiration

Om att välja

Har du också svårt för att ibland fatta beslut? Det kan gälla allt från mer simpla saker som vad man ska ta på sig för kläder på morgonen, till mer livsavgörande beslut som att välja bostad, livsstil och yrkesval. När vi är osäkra på vilket val som är det rätta är det lätt att vi förlamas av rädsla för att göra fel och därför undvika att välja alls. Ibland är det helt enkelt bättre att välja ett alternativ utan att vara helt säker, än att hela livet stå och tveka på ett ben. Men vad ska egentligen få avgöra vilket beslut som är bäst? När ska vi följa magkänslan och när ska vi låta oss styras av förnuftet? Carole Nicolaides delar här med sig av sina tankar kring hur vi kan guidas för att våga välja våra liv och inte fastna i tveksamhet och obeslutsamhet.

Making Decisions That Bring Positive Results
By Carole Nicolaides

What causes us to freeze when we are faced with a high impact decision? Why is it that we often don’t know which way to turn? Being able to use your inner knowledge as a compass can guide you toward making quality decisions about your professional and personal life.

Because these decisions can create substantial positive (or negative) changes in our lives, we often hesitate before making them. However, once you understand yourself and the direction you want for your life, decision making becomes much easier.

This comes from wisdom. Keep in mind; wisdom and knowledge are often two different things. Wisdom tells us that once our decisions are not solely focused on the desired outcome, we begin to realize that there is not only one way of solving our problems. I am a big believer of letting my heart guide me. This is the best compass that human beings have, yet it is one that is so protected, humble and seldom manifests itself. Most adults lose the privilege of listening to their inner voice. Once social norms, education, guilt and other feelings manifest in our logic they come into direct conflict with our heart.

By placing a heavy emphasis on who you are and what your long-term goals consist of, you can transform your personal and professional life completely. Here’s just one example.

One of my coaching clients, Joanna, is a successful businesswoman who was working hard to get a promotion. She was spending hours at work, neglecting her family and particularly herself. When the time came to get that promotion, she was speechless and disappointed to learn that a new person - an outsider - got the position that she was working so hard for the past two years.

Needless to say she was devastated. She could not hide her disappointment and angry feelings. Worst of all, her motivation fell through the floor. The situation at home did not get any better. She became angry with her family and almost ruined her marriage.

Joanna was lucky to realize that she needed to change something in herself before losing everything that she worked so hard for the past twenty years. She started reflecting on the way she was living her life, writing down her typical days and fears, and then at the end of the week answering the following questions:

• Did my activity this past week make a difference in someone’s life? Can I expect some results in the near future? How many people are going to benefit from this? Will the project that I am working on matter from a year now?

• How many days did I laugh? Who were the people that made me feel good? What have I done to thank them? Does my happiness rely simply on getting from other people? What did I give to the community this week?

• How many times this week did I take time for myself? When did I treat myself? What things can someone else in my life do? How effective was I in delegating work personally and professionally?

Once she started doing these things, and learned to say no to tasks that were not her direct responsibility, amazingly she started seeing results in her emotional well being. She became a calmer person and she was able to see the things that really mattered to her. She started being more attentive with people, caring and most importantly patient.

Her employees loved her new transformation. Without even doing any extra work she was able to transform her team into a team of people who fought for a common cause. They had a sense of belonging and cared about working together.

Joanna’s compass became the questions, “will this matter to anyone a year from now?” “Does this new project really matter for our organization’s success?” “Will its stakeholders benefit from this?” She used her inner knowledge to elevate her team members. In return, they were able to give their best at work and at the same time enjoy their personal lives.

We all know that making decisions is one of the most difficult tasks. Following these simple strategies I hope you will find it easier to make decisions. Just remember to take time to learn about yourself. Relax and think of how your decision will impact not only you but your direct environment. We are all so interrelated; we can simply not ignore this. The decisions you make impact many others as well.

Making quality decisions can change your life!

Se tidigare inlägg med Carole Nicolaides.



En inspirerande bok på ämnet är också Finn din inre polstjärna av Martha Beck.

Vad har du för tankar kring obeslutsamhet? Hur har du gjort viktiga val i livet?

Andra bloggares åsikter om Val, välja, obeslutsamhet, tvekan, tveksamhet, rädsla, personlig utveckling, mental träning, psykologi, filosofi, beslut, livsbeslut, att välja

Att bli lycklig. Om positiv psykologi

Positiv psykologi är en ny inriktning inom psykologin som har utvecklats under 90-talet. Traditionellt fokuserar psykologi och psykiatri på psykologiska problem, psykiska störningar och lidandet. Men i och med att det salutogena perspektivet vunnit mark har det vuxit upp ett ny gren inom psykologin som fokuserar på skyddande faktorer, människors resurser och starka sidor och hur vi kan få en utökad hälsa. En del av denna inriktning kallas positiv psykologi och har utvecklats av Martin Seligman. Den har undersökt vad lycka är och hur man kan sträva mot att få mer glädje i sitt liv. Barbara Holstein är en psykolog som arbetat med positiv psykologi länge och skrivit flera böcker i ämnet. Nedan återges en artikel som handlar om hur man kan må bättre och hitta ett nytt perspektiv på livet. Den utgår från hennes bok The Enchanted Self.

Everywhere you go, always take the weather with you!

Recipe for Enchantment: The Three R's: Remembering the Best, Restoring Yourself, Rapture

by Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein

In today's world there are so many wonderful and inspirational books. There are books filled with stories of Divine intervention, miracles happening, special positive moments never to be forgotten and stories of incredible coincidences. They help make us feel in harmony with the universe. They help us fall asleep and have pleasant dreams. They often bring tears to our eyes, reinforcing an inner sense of wisdom that all is right with the world even when appearances say that is not so.

There is one thing often missing from these books. It is the mental and emotional perspiration that we need to go through as we struggle to live a life of meaning and joy. The inspiration is there but it's the perspiration that most of us need to put into our daily lives to create for ourselves lives of enchantment. Because, enchantment for most of us, i.e., living a life of joy, a life that reflects many states of well being, again and again, is hard work. Certainly we yearn for moments when the right thing happens at exactly the right time and the world opens up for us, whether it's a lucky break, meeting the right life partner or winning the lottery.

We all need at least some of those moments. But life, in reality, is filled with hundreds and thousands and probably millions of minutes that are repetitive, boring or simply ordinary. They involve getting up, brushing our teeth, driving to work safely, keeping a job, raising children, fighting off a cold, etc. It is all these times that The Enchanted Self focuses on. These are the moments that can be mundane, depressing, dull or can be captivating, enlivening and filled with joy. What is the difference? The difference is usually the perspiration. I mean the mental and emotional perspiration that is involved in what I call the three R's of enchantment.

Let's look at the first of the three R's. The first is Remembering the Best and Letting Go of the Rest. This is a critical component to general well being and a sense of happiness on a daily basis. Most of us have sustained loss and experienced pain. Yes, we've been hurt. We've been short-changed by opportunities or other people. Sometimes we've been stepped upon, left or forgotten. If we spend our daily life focusing on these disappointments then we cannot release the positive energies we need to make the most of the present moment and to plan for the future. Grudges, negative thinking, disappointments, and not forgiving all get in the way of what can be done with the present. We need our psyche energies to seize opportunities we can take advantage of. This can't happen, if our energies are used up ruminating.

Besides, there is beauty in our own story and most, if not all disappointments we've experienced have strengthened us. Often, we have even developed talents in coping with hard times that can reemerge in ways to enhance pleasure and/or help us be of service to the world. For example, the child that was neglected or yelled at has an opportunity to be particularly kind to others as he or she gets older, maybe to teach others certain parenting skills having known first hand how it feels on the other side. I hope you'll take some time this month to think about yourself and what talents you may have developed during stressful times of your life. It may be the very coping skills that you can use to make your life even more successful and joyful.

An Adventure In Story Telling: Take some time this month to tell your story, whether it be to yourself, a child, a friend, a spouse. Play with emphasizing how moments, whether they seemed extraordinary or ordinary at the time, played into future chapters of your life. Also, play with sharing the hard times in ways that emphasize growth and even later successes!

Part Two
If you remember, last time I shared with you how necessary it is to develop mental and emotional energy to live a life of meaning and joy. It is both the ways we view our lives and the actions we take on a daily basis that lead to fruitful living. The truth is, enchantment for most of us, i.e., living a life of joy, a life that reflects many states of well being, is hard work.

How do we take all the moments of life that are often repetitive and ordinary, and turn them into captivating personal times? One way is through optimizing our own sense of well being. This internal state is particularly reactive to our emotional and physical states of health. For instance, I remember occasions when good things were about to happen, but I was so overtired or anxious that I could not appreciate a special day. I also remember occasions when nothing happened, but because I felt well rested and truly at peace with myself I enjoyed every moment.

How do we work on restoring ourselves? How do we gather our positive energies to be in our own best interest? Certainly one of the most critical factors is seeing yourself in a positive light. If I don't truly value myself, I am certainly not going to take good care of myself. I am more responsive to the criticism from a negative spouse or parent than my own inner feelings of self worth. I may not take good care of myself and the results can be devastating. Over the years I have seen so many clients who were not thriving because they had internalized negative comments, criticism and opinions from others. The end result was that they began to believe the negative perceptions of themselves and ultimately saw themselves in a poor light.

It is very important to see yourself in a positive light. This means not putting yourself down and not criticizing yourself. It means becoming your own best friend. Often taking better care of yourself becomes essential. For all of us, it is important to get enough rest, eat well, learn how to sort through the negative remarks that hurt, not get caught up and lost in the feelings those remarks engendered, and to value who we really are and what each of us has to offer the world.

This "R" is extremely difficult and involves a lot of mental and emotional perspiration. We are vulnerable to absorbing criticism and negative remarks about ourselves and actually internalizing them, making them ours. So there is much work to be done when we start to sift through feelings that we are less rather than more. We need to think of ourselves as more, not less.

I remember one client who had struggled to begin think of herself as more, not less. Her husband was often critical of her and constantly interruptive. For example when eating out he would often criticize her and spoil her pleasure by suggesting she had put on some pounds and might not want to order a particular item. Around the house he would barge into a room and interrupt her telephone conversation or television show. He would then bring up a subject in which she was presented as the culprit.

It was a wonderful day in her life when she was simply able to say when her husband interrupted her, "I am leaving the house for a few hours. I hope upon my return your mood will be better and you will be treating me more appropriately." She then took the car keys and went to visit a friend. When she came back he was pleasant and in a totally different state. Although this was only part of the correction between them, it was a momentous moment in giving her a sense that not only must she think of herself as more, not less, but she also must have the courage to take positive appropriate action.

I hope you'll take some time to now think about yourself and come up with at least one or two ideas of healthy attitude changes or positive actions that will bring you closer to a wonderful sense of restoring yourself.

Part Three
This is the third article for the series RECIPES FOR ENCHANTMENT - THE THREE R'S. Remembering the best, Restoring yourself, and Rapture. This month we are going to be talking about the third "R", which is the wonderful concept that I like to call RAPTURE.

Rapture is a strong, full word that incorporates a capacity for joy that affects us in our own mind, body and spirit. It is a feeling of being in harmony in a euphoric or an ecstatic way with others or the universe at large. Obviously, we don't go around in a state of rapture all the time. To experience even states of well being on a regular basis involves tremendous daily practice. Yet, if we work and we perspire, mentally, emotionally, socially we will be rewarded. How? For one thing, the positive actions we take in our lives are pleasing to us and good for us.

In my new book RECIPES FOR ENCHANTMENT, The Secret Ingredient is YOU!, I talk about so many occasions when people took positive actions and then had the pleasant rewarding experience of positive feelings. These positive feelings varied from person to person yet included the whole spectrum of well being, including joyousness, contentment, satisfaction, pleasure and on occasion, rapture.

In my book I share a reverie that I had one night. I imagined all of my friends and loved ones and then strangers from around the world coming together in big circles dancing in the moonlight. We danced until dawn in my reverie. There was a sense of euphoria that built leading to me to experiencing great joy and even rapture as I indulged in my visualization. I share this one with you because it points out that positive actions can take the form of positive thoughts! Often we dismiss our inner life. I think it's important to document that our inner life is a very real place where we practice many of the states of well being that ultimately take shape through expression in the real world.

Although I have not danced through the night in the moonlight with hundreds of thousands of people, the feelings I had in that reverie certainly translate into many of the positive actions that I take in sharing THE ENCHANTED SELF message. As a matter of fact, without my inner life, I doubt there would be the energy to bring these teachings to others.

Yes, obviously in this discussion we are moving toward the spiritual. Ultimately, the positive energies that we have to give the world require mind, body and spirit. And so you see that enchantment is all about putting the meat in your soul's soup. It is about the muscle that goes with living a life of joy. Perspiration, daily practice, and daily routines that enhance the possibilities of living a life of enchantment, are all of hard work.

Just remember though, before you get discouraged, it is even harder to live a miserable life. We pay for misery in so many ways. We pay for it in feeling fatigued and feeling that we don't have real purpose. We feel inside that there's a hole in our hearts or that we have missed the boat. We can feel aggravated, tense, fed up. We can feel that the future will be as miserable as the past. We can feel that we are ordinary rather than extraordinary. We can pay for a negative attitude with more physical and emotional illness so that the perspiration pours off of us in a different way.

I think it's smarter, since life is a struggle and designed so that we work at whatever we're doing, that we practice enchantment and enjoy the perspiration and inspiration that goes with the practice. So promise yourself to take the JOYRIDE OF YOUR LIFE!

Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, originator of THE ENCHANTED SELF®, a method of bringing delight and meaning into everyday living, invites you to view her new line of ENCHANTED WOMAN products, downloadable e-books, and free gifts at http://www.enchantedself.com. Visit her BLOG at : http://www.enchantedself.typepad.com/

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Growing Wings: The Phases of Human Metamorphosis
By Martha Beck

What goes on in the cocoon of change isn't always pretty, but the results can be beautiful. Martha Beck talks you through the four phases of human metamorphosis. Get ready to fly!

I used to think I knew how some caterpillars become butterflies. I assumed they weave cocoons, then sit inside growing six long legs, four wings, and so on. I figured if I were to cut open a cocoon, I'd find a butterfly-ish caterpillar, or a caterpillar-ish butterfly, depending on how far things had progressed. I was wrong. In fact, the first thing caterpillars do in their cocoons is shed their skin, leaving a soft, rubbery chrysalis. If you were to look inside the cocoon early on, you'd find nothing but a puddle of glop. But in that glop are certain cells, called imago cells, that contain the DNA-coded instructions for turning bug soup into a delicate, winged creature—the angel of the dead caterpillar.

If you've ever been through a major life transition, this may sound familiar. Humans do it, too—not physically but psychologically. All of us will experience metamorphosis several times during our lives, exchanging one identity for another. You've probably already changed from baby to child to adolescent to adult—these are obvious, well-recognized stages in the life cycle. But even after you're all grown up, your identity isn't fixed. You may change marital status, become a parent, switch careers, get sick, win the lottery.

Any transition serious enough to alter your definition of self will require not just small adjustments in your way of living and thinking but a full-on metamorphosis. I don't know if this is emotionally stressful for caterpillars, but for humans it can be hell on wheels. The best way to minimize trauma is to understand the process.

The Phases of Human Metamorphosis
Psychological metamorphosis has four phases. You'll go through these phases, more or less in order, after any major change catalyst (falling in love or breaking up, getting or losing a job, having children or emptying the nest, etc.). The strategies for dealing with change depend on the phase you're experiencing.

Phase One: Dissolving

Here's the Deal
The first phase of change is the scariest, especially because we aren't taught to expect it. It's the time when we lose our identity and are left temporarily formless: person soup. Most people fight like crazy to keep their identities from dissolving. "This is just a blip," we tell ourselves when circumstances rock our world. "I'm the same person, and my life will go back to being the way it was."
,br> Sometimes this is true. But in other cases, when real metamorphosis has begun, we run into a welter of "dissolving" experiences. We may feel that everything is falling apart, that we're losing everyone and everything. Dissolving feels like death, because it is—it's the demise of the person you've been.

What to Do
When we're dissolving we may get hysterical, fight our feelings, try to recapture our former lives, or jump immediately toward some new status quo ("rebound romance" is a classic example). All these measures actually slow down Phase One and make it more painful. The following strategies work better:

• In Phase One, live one day (or ten minutes) at a time. Instead of dwelling on hopes and fears about an unknowable future, focus your attention on whatever is happening right now.
• "Cocoon" by caring for yourself in physical, immediate ways. Wrap yourself in a blanket, make yourself a cup of hot tea, attend an exercise class, whatever feels comforting.
• Talk to others who have gone through a metamorphosis. If you don't have a wise relative or friend, a therapist can be a source of reassurance.
• Let yourself grieve. Even if you are leaving an unpleasant situation (a bad marriage, a job you didn't like), you'll probably go through the normal human response to any loss: the emotional roller coaster called the grieving process. You'll cycle through denial, anger, sadness, and acceptance many times. Just experiencing these feelings will help them pass more quickly.

If you think this sounds frustratingly passive, you're right. Dissolving isn't something you do; it's something that happens to you. The closest you'll come to controlling it is relaxing and trusting the process.

Phase Two: Imagining

Here's the Deal
For those of us who have just a few tiny control issues, Phase Two is as welcome as rain after drought. This is when the part of you that knows your destiny, the imago in your psyche, will begin giving you instructions about how to reorganize the remnants of your old identity into something altogether different.

The word imago is the root of the word image. You'll know you're beginning Phase Two when your mind's eye starts seeing images of the life you are about to create. These can't be forced—like dissolving, they happen to you—and they are never what you expected. You're becoming a new person, and you'll develop traits and interests your old self didn't have. You may feel compelled to change your hairstyle or wardrobe, or redecorate your living space. The old order simply seems wrong, and you'll begin reordering your outer situation to reflect your inner rebirth.

What to Do
Here are some ways you may want to respond when you begin spontaneously imagining the future:

• Cut out magazine pictures you find appealing or interesting. Glue them onto a piece of butcher paper. The resulting collage will be an illustration of the life you're trying to create.
• Let yourself daydream. Your job is to try out imaginary scenarios until you have a clear picture of your goals and desires. You'll save a lot of time, effort, and grief by giving yourself time to do this in your head before you attempt it in the real world.

Phase Two is all about images: making them up, making them clear, making them possible. Moving through this stage, you'll start to feel an impulse to go from dreaming (imagining possibilities) to scheming (planning to bring your vision to fruition). Write down both dreams and schemes, then gather information about how you might create them.

Phase Three: Re-forming

Here's the Deal
As your dreams become schemes, you'll begin itching to make them come true. This signals Phase Three, the implementation stage of the change process. Phase Three is when you stop fantasizing about selling your art and start submitting work to galleries, or go beyond ogling a friend's brother to having her set you up on a date. You'll feel motivated to do real, physical things to build a new life. And then…(drum roll, please)…you'll fail. Repeatedly.

I've gone through Phase Three many times and watched hundreds of clients do the same. I've never seen a significant scheme succeed on the first try. Re-forming your life, like anything new, complex, and important, inevitably brings up problems you didn't expect. That's why, in contrast to the starry eyes that are so useful in Phase Two, Phase Three demands the ingenuity of Thomas Edison and the tenacity of a pit bull.

What to Do

• Expect things to go wrong. Many of my clients have an early failure and consider this a sign that "it just wasn't meant to be." This is a useful philosophy if you want to spend your life as person soup. To become all that you can be, you must keep working toward your dreams even when your initial efforts are unsuccessful.
• Be willing to start over. Every time your plans fail, you'll briefly return to Phase One, feeling lost and confused. This is an opportunity to release some of the illusions that created hitches in your plan.
• Revisit Phase Two, adjusting your dreams and schemes to include the truths you've learned from your experimentation.
• Persist. Keep debugging and reimplementing your new-and-improved plans until they work. If you've followed all the steps above, they eventually will.

Phase Four: Flying

Here's the Deal
Phase Three is like crawling out of your cocoon and waiting for your crumpled, soggy wings to dry and expand. Phase Four is the payoff, the time when your new identity is fully formed and able to fly.

What to Do
The following strategies—which can help you optimize this delightful situation—are about fine-tuning, not drastic transformation.

• Enjoy! You've just negotiated a scary and dramatic transformation, and you deserve to savor your new identity. Spend time every day focusing on gratitude for your success.
• Make small improvements. Find little ways to make your new life a bit less stressful, a bit more pleasurable.
• Know that another change is just around the bend. There's no way to predict how long you'll stay in Phase Four; maybe days, maybe decades. Don't attribute your happiness to your new identity; security lies in knowing how to deal with metamorphosis, whenever it occurs.

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